Sunday, November 8, 2009

If I could do it all over

We stopped at a little taco shop tonight for dinner. When we pulled into the parking lot, there was a couple getting into their car. I noticed them because she pushed their cart to the island where there were a dozen or more carts already parked. I thought in my head, just because everyone else does it doesn't mean its right. She walked toward us, a little to closely. She kind of got in between our car and Scott and Evan. Something about it, it made me uncomfortable. Scott laughed, oops we are in the way Evan, excuse us. She wandered toward our door, and realized it was not her car. She walked a car down, she walked the ten steps across the parking lot, saying oh, I'm over here. When she got over there, she realized it was not right either. As I looked back over my shoulder. I saw the confusion in her eyes as she looked around desperately searching for where her car was. I also saw the man she was with, finally realizing that she had not come back to the car start to look for her. I said to Scott, oh she was really confused. She really didn't know where she was.

I haven't been able to get her out of my mind all night. I know her male companion found her, he was steps away from her. She was steps away from her car. Literally, she started ten steps, 180 degrees away from her car, and she ended up twenty steps 90 degrees away from her car.
I can't stop thinking I should have helped her. I should have said oh, you are right there. What stopped me? I don't know. My selfish need to get my kids fed more quickly? My fear of making her feel bad? My fear of strangers? That "I grew up in LA" sensibility where you just don't talk to people? The uncomfortable feeling I had when she approached my car? (which I now know was me maybe sensing her confusion?) I don't know.

I don't like it.

I want to teach my children to be kind and compassionate. I did not set a good example. I cannot stop thinking about it. My heart aches because I was so heartless.

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