Saturday, March 30, 2013

I guess the healing begins around year seven

I was in Savasana in yoga today and I realized something.  It is March 30th! Two days and Seven years ago, my life was changed forever. 

For the past six years March 28th has been frought with angst, sadness and shortness of breath. This year, it seems to have passed without event.

I still don't watch the NCAA Tournament like I used to. At the start of it, I felt a bit angsty, I knew it was that time of year again, but not in the same way...

If I take the time to reflect I can work myself up into a tizzy, but it doesn't seem to to perccolate to the surface out of nowhere anymore...


Seven years ago,

I was in a hospital bed, convinced I would be there for another ten or twelve weeks at least! I was settling in for the long haul.  That long haul was only seven more days!

Seven years later,

I have two boys who are nearly seven years old.  Wow.  Just Wow.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Sometimes the rules don't matter. (and, I need to remember that)

It is 2 o'clock in the morning and I am feeling pretty rotten.

In the past few weeks I have had a couple of incidents of bad parenting.  Today was a gigantic fail.  Epic.

Today I got so wrapped up in "the rules" that I forgot that my boys are only 6 (almost 7) and that they are enthusiastic and that they enjoy life to the fullest.

We were on a field trip today, first the aquarium and then the park at the beach.  The rule was no one was supposed to go in the water.  Of course, I knew better, I knew that my kids would not be able to resist.  I even said it to their teacher.  But instead of just being prepared, with extra clothes, I chose to be a hard ass.  To make them follow the rules. And when they broke the rules, I made them regret it.  And now I am the one up at 2 AM regretting it, unable to sleep because I turned what should have been a fun time into something totally opposite.

What really made me feel awful about making my boys sit out of all of the fun, because they broke the "rules" was a picture posted by one of the other moms on the field trip. I think it must have been taken moments before I found them in the water.

When I saw it, I saw clearly what I was missing today on the beach.  Their joy. You cannot even see their faces clearly, but it is their body language, I can feel their happiness. It looks as if Evan's feet are not even touching the ground.  (I apologize for the inelegant black boxes over the other kids faces, but it is nearly 2:30 now, and I don't want to go to my desktop to open photoshop, nor do I think I will be able to get permission from the other four parents at this hour.  As it is, I hope when the photographer wakes up in the morning she is okay with me using this photo)

Honestly, why didn't I just bring extra clothes, and embrace the moment?  Why did I have to take this moment of joy and turn it into anything but joy?  This is going to be one of those memories that I will never, never, never forget, it will make me sick forever. 

Now I wait until they wake up so I can apologize.