Thursday, July 28, 2011

Not my stories to tell

Many things are happening around me that have me in a state. They are not my stories to tell, so I cannot write about them here.

I just know my emotions are raw. My heart is aching.

I am worried about my friends.

I am worried about their families.

I feel their pain.

I don't know their pain, but I can imagine it.

Hug your children.

Get your Mammograms.

Be thankful for your healthy babies.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Memories...Misty water colored

I've been meaning to blog, but I don't know, life keeps getting in the way.

We have been keeping busy since the last day of school.
Family vacations, Dinosaur camp, Fourth of July, it's been quite hectic. I have still not completely unpacked from vacation, there are things everywhere, and I just feel unsettled.

One of the things I've been doing is I've been burning some cd's on my old computer, where all of my old pictures are stored. They have been cycling through as screen savers and bringing up old memories.

I cannot believe the boys are five! I cannot believe how big they are. They are so grown up.
As I look at the pictures pop up from the NICU, as Evan is being wheeled off into surgery by Peggy, the first time I held either of my babies (Ryan), the first time I held both of them, the machines, the wires, I wonder how we made it through that time, virtually unscathed.

Then I see them as babies, oh, those cheeks!

Then as toddlers, with no hair, but still with the cheeks!

They were such cute little babies, toddlers, oh, my heart aches looking at their adorableness.

Sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much of that time. It's a fog. Such a distant memory, yet so much of that time is crystal clear. The fear of "THE" phone call. The sights, sounds and smells of the NICU. The quiet of 3AM disturbed by the sound of a breast pump instead of a baby. The color of blue, black blue, it still makes me feel ill. The monitors going off in the middle of the night. None of that normal, none of those memories should STILL be so vivid, while the memories of first steps, first teeth, and first words, are so foggy.

It isn't right, but it is what it is. Thankfully, I have the pictures to jog my memory, and that I have the boys here making new ones daily.