The Birth of Axel and Outlaw

Two years ago, my hospital bed rest ended, and my five month journey in the NICU began.

My week plus had been pretty uneventful. I continued to have contractions, I continued to have magnesium sulfate. I had visitors galore, my mother-in-law, my friends...oh and then there were the endless stream of doctors, nurses, phlebotomists. I had really settled in for the duration. I have a DVD player, a mini TV since the local CBS station did not come in at all in my room. (after all it was the NCAA tournament time, and the end of the hockey season, and if I'm going to be stuck in bed with nothing to do, darn it, I'd better be able to watch some sports!) (BTW, as I type I am watching KU and Memphis battle it out, WOW) I had tons of books on parenting, on preemies, and some for just fun, but reading was pretty much out since the Mag made me see double, and my concentration was almost nil. I also attended one of my baby showers via telephone, and an endless supply of video tapes.

It was a mundane existence, I'd be unceremoniously jarred awake by someone turning on the light and sticking me with a needle to draw blood, this after having my blood pressure and temperature taken every 3 hours during the night. Then at about 5:30 or 6:00 a whole pack of doctors would come though my room, examine me, ask me a few questions that I was too sleepy to reply coherently to, and then my cold, bland, often unrecognizable breakfast would arrive. Thank goodness for the friends, mothers-in-law, and husbands who brought me real food for lunch and dinner, or I might have really been miserable! Ah yes, and how could I forget about the constant monitoring of the fetal heart beats. If I took a deep breath, the monitors would shift, and no heartbeat would be detected, and a nurse would come running in to find me trying to get comfortable, or getting out of bed to pee for the 1000's time.

Friday began like every other day. I had an exam, cervix holding steady. Contractions the same, really I didn't feel them much. Only occasionally there would be a strong one, and I'd feel pressure on my bladder or across my back and then, nothing. Of course I was having loads of contractions, they just didn't hurt. Later in the afternoon, I noticed some spotting on my sheet. hmm, I reasoned, I'm sure it is just from the exam this morning, I thought of saying nothing, but something inside told me that I should NOT keep something like this to my self. I told my nurse, she agreed with me that it was probably from the exam too, but she was going to call the doctors just to be safe.

Here's where it starts spiraling out of control. It was about 4 (Oprah was about to start) the doctor came in took a look and found I had dilated to 3 cm. I was rushed to labor and delivery in hopes that they could stop this freight train. After lots of meds, 3 hours later I was still dilating, now at 5 cm, there was no stopping these boys from making their grand entrance.

I was placed in a room, Scott and my MIL were given a briefing, and then we settled in for a wait. I made the decision to have the epidural, even though the contractions were not bothering me. It was really a speed thing for me. I felt as though if there were any problems I'd have the epidural in, and if they needed to do an emergency C-Section, It would be a lot quicker and they could get to saving those boys all the faster. In hindsight it's a good thing, I'll explain in a second.

I then dozed in and out of consciousness for a while, and at 11 pm, my water broke. I woke up with a start, soaking wet, knowing the birth of my boys was eminent. It's kind of a blur from here. I was wheeled into an OR, lots of stuff happened, the doctor came in, Dr. Simpson, everyone said if you are going to deliver twins vaginally, he's the guy you want on call. I guess the other doctors are more inclined to cut you open, and Dr. Simpson is kind of old school more willing to let things happen.

Ryan when you were ready, you were ready. Dr. Simpson wasn't even in the room and the Fellow had to start having me push. The doc came in and was not pleased, but everyone shrugged and said, this baby was coming out! At 11:20 pm Baby A was delivered, and at 11:21 pm Baby B was grabbed by his ankles and ripped out of my uterus. (thus my reason for being thankful for the epidural)

The boys were whisked away from me so quickly, I don't think I got more than a glimpse of either baby. Scott was gone, Cindy went too. It's the pits for a mom of preemies. No happy cry, no baby on your chest. None of that Hollywood stuff where the mom and dad sit gazing adoringly into the eyes of their newborn. Whoosh, they are gone, wrapped in white blankets with blue and pink stripes, in the arms of a doctor, as they rush to start saving their lives.

They took me back to my room in L&D to recover. I was put back on the Mag, I think I begged and cried a little, please, please no more!

It was 2 am before I was given the all clear to go to the NICU to see my babes. By this time Scott had already named them. He said he just looked at them and decided that Baby A (Axel) would be Ryan and Baby B (Outlaw) would be Evan. ( I know I have to explain those nicknames sometime really soon, but too much to say tonight!)

Before I went over to see the boys, I had to use the bathroom...I've never fainted before. But I was sitting on the toilet, and the world around me started to go fuzzy and black. I had enough wits about me to shout for Scott just before I lost consciousness, so he was able to catch me before I fell face down on the bathroom floor. It happened once more before we left, but I pretended it didn't. I NEEDED to see my babies, NOW.

They were so small, just 2 pounds 2 ounces each. So fragile. Just barely alive. Already hooked up to ventilators, in hot little incubators, with wires and patches, with teams, of nurses watching your every move. It wouldn't be until much, much later that I would realize what it meant to have two nurses on each baby. (not good) I was allowed to touch each boy momentarily. Softly. No rubbing. Just soft firm constant pressure. My heart was in my throat. Through everything sterile and scary, there was a light, a light that had been missing in my life. These two little tiny things, filled my heart and soul with so much instantaneous joy, it was truly overwhelming. At that moment, there was no room for fear, no room for thoughts of the road ahead, no room for anything but bliss.