Music to Cry By

We were listening to music the other day. We listen to music everyday, all day. But there are some songs that really hit me. Songs that make me well up with tears. They all relate back to our time in the NICU.

In the early days, when the boys were so sick I couldn’t touch them, I’d sit next to their isolette and sing what ever I could just so they would hear my voice. Scott read them books, tons of books, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, the complete works of Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss’ “Oh The Places You’ll Go”, and he did Sudoku with them. I would sing. I would talk to them, sometimes read too, but most of the time I’d sit and talk, or sing. I don’t have a great singing voice, but I love to sing. I’d drive around (pre kids) and sing at the top of my lungs. It was here that I realized that I don’t know the words to a lot of songs. I know some of the words, but not all of them. When you are singing along to the original artist, well, you get prompted, when you are sitting in a NICU, there’s nothing but beeping to help you keep time.

It was shortly after James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” hit it huge that the boys were born. It was all over the radio. Sometimes in A nursery the radio would be on and I’d hear the song 4 or 5 times a day. There’s a couple of lines that still choke me up. I’d barely be able to get through them in the NICU, and I’m sure it’s still part of the NICU Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that has me get all teary eyed today.

You're Beautiful
by James Blunt

My life is brilliant

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

La la la la la la la la la

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel
with a smile on her face,
When she thought up
that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

I know the song is about losing a girl, but loss is loss. The loss James is singing about, I related it to the loss of a normal pregnancy, loss of the ability to even touch your precious babies for fear they’ll stop breathing, the possible loss of your dreams of being a parent.

There were moments that my babies were one breath away from being angels, there were moments that I felt I would never be with them, my love was always pure.

Some day I’ll write about the other songs that ALWAYS make me cry.