Perspective

I was going to complain today about what a terrible day we had, and it was bad. We had Thermo-nuclear meltdown at the Ophthalmologist today. Both boys were screaming like she was trying to poke their eyes out with a fireplace poker. Evan threw up all over himself, his stroller, and 2 trashcans in the office. I was embarrassed. I was shocked, my boys have never reacted so strongly before. Okay, we had shots yesterday and that was a traumatic event too, so maybe it was some carry over, at least that's what the Doctor suggested, in fact she asked me never to do that to her again!

As I was composing this post in my mind (while fixing the boys dinner) I started reflecting on my visit to the Doctor's office and the people I met there. Suddenly this post went in a whole new direction. I got a perspective check today, a reminder to be thankful even glad that these boys can make me so aggravated, anxious, frustrated, exhausted, and as I listen to them sing in the other room with their Daddy--Happy.

While I was chasing a half naked Evan, and a howling Ryan around the waiting room, (not my idea, I usually keep them in the stroller, but after our first attempt at doing the eye exam, they were already loose and there was no getting them back in!) I struck up a conversation around the fish tank with a woman with a toddler and 6 month old preemie boy, boy twins. They were born a 25 weeks! at UCSD, we shared a primary, (Cindy) we chatted about the things that moms of twins and preemies chat about, Synagis, how hard it is the first few months, who came home first, medical issues, procedures, etc. Another mom then said, He was born at 29 weeks, and his sister is still in the hospital...again, we exchanged the Preemie/Twin small talk. I should add, that our eye doctor sees all of her ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity) patients on the same days so it is not uncommon for all of these moms with preemies to be in the office at the same time. This many twins, I've never seen before. This mom's twin girl was still in the hospital and I think she said it had been a month since her son came home. Her daughter had a tracheotomy and would come home with it. These conversations made me realize no matter how tough our road was, (and don't get me wrong it was VERY tough) it could have been tougher.

Before the chaos had begun, while the boys were just waiting to be dilated, a nice woman and her daughter started to talk to me. Now usually when strangers approach, I get out my hand swatter and start trying to figure out how to politely ask them to keep their germ filled hands off my preemies. But she didn't even try to touch them. She asked how old they were, if they were fraternal or identical (duh) but as a mom of twins, I get that all the time. Then she said "I had twins" Something in her voice caught my attention and I looked up at her as she said, "but they didn't make it" I've seen that look before, NICU mom's who have just lost their baby, a mom with only one surviving twin, a sadness that cannot be described. A sadness that makes me feel guilty for ever feeling overwhelmed with my life with twins. A sadness that makes me feel guilty for wishing it was easier. A sadness that makes me realize just how lucky we are. Just writing about it gives me an ache in my heart so powerful it brings me to tears. The woman was so kind, she told me about her boy, boy twins, born at 23 weeks, 15 years ago. She went into labor at 22 weeks, was given steroids but at that time, at 23 weeks, there was no hope for her boys. She told me how happy she was to now have 2 children, a girl born at 32 weeks and a boy at 35 weeks. She told me how she had her two children, just not the way I have two children. Even as she told me how happy she was, I could still glimpse the ache she felt for those two precious babies, born too soon.

No matter how tough our road...it could have been so much tougher.

It's all about perspective.