My babies were just five weeks old and we were not yet sure if this would be my first and only Mother's Day. Ryan and Evan were still struggling for each and every breath, still barely clinging to life.
I remember hoping that on *this* Mother's Day, this day for Mothers, I might get to feel like a mother, that maybe this would be the day I could hold one or both of my babies. I had only been allowed to hold my babies each one or two times before this day. A few moths later it would be a given, I could walk in and pick up either baby, but this day, and for many more days, I would have to ask permission, I would have to check. How were your oxygen levels, your CO2 levels, heart rates, your stability in the past 12 hours. All that checking just to hold my babies.
It would be many more months before I would be in charge of your care, like a real mom, it would be many more months before I could hold you at will, before I felt truly like a real mom. But if I knew then what I know now, I might have handled that first Mother's Day with a little more joy and a lot less fear.
Now I am fully aware of what a true Mom feels like...TIRED!
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