There are worse things

Before I get into the heavy stuff, there are a couple of things that are so cute I have to share:

This morning while we were having our morning cuddle, Ryan starts smothering Evan with kisses. Evan began to protest and Ryan replies: "But I love you so much I just can't stop kissing you!"

While playing superheros Evan says: "Ryan is my brother, he is the awesome-ist super hero EVER!"

Now, this one, I don't know where it came from, I do know he has used this word properly before, so he learned it somewhere, but not from me. I was in the other room and I couldn't see what exactly prompted Evan to make this statement: "My pubis is sticking out of my footsie."
I still haven't stopped laughing.

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So I sit here on the evening of our fourth annual VCUG, and I have to admit I am worried.

I'm not fretting about the procedure, although not fun, I've been through it so many times, sadly, I'm comfortable with it. Last year we were able to take the edge off by using Nitrous. (for the boys not me) We plan to do so this year, however, Ryan has a cough, so it may be a no-go on the sedation. Which means 15 or so minutes of screaming and crying while holding my 39 pound child pinned to the table as people attempt to catheterize him. Super fun stuff for 9 in the morning.

Really what I am worried about is that Ryan's kidney reflux has not resolved on its own, and sometime in the next few months we will be forced to schedule surgery for him. With all that my boys have been through, I know they will never remember it. The surgeries, the tests, the hospitalization, it will all be family lore to them. Stories that Mom and Dad told us. But a major surgery now? It may not be a memory that lasts a lifetime, but at four, they are remembering everything. Just how much of this possible terrifying thing will he remember?

If his reflux hasn't resolved, I will wonder if I should have done the surgery last year, he would have been younger, and the likelihood of him remembering would have been a little less. But last year, I knew I had one more year to stall. To hope he would not have to endure. (Success rate in children under five is something like eighty percent, over five it goes down exponentially) Last year I knew he only had one UTI, only one in two and a half years. I knew I wasn't doing any damage to his kidneys if I waited. As long as he stayed infection free...which he did.

I won't know the the results until next week, but I will be taking Ryan in, and letting Scott take in Evan, because after all this time, I'm getting pretty good at reading the images during the procedure, which in itself is most definitely NOT a good thing.

I feel silly worrying so much. All of the what ifs will be resolved in a little less than a week. We will move on from there. We will make decisions. We will do whatever it takes. Still this is my baby.

I know there are worse things. I know people who REALLY have worries. When I think of it rationally, and I take MY child out of the equation, this is nothing. In fact, when I think of those other people, I get a lump in my throat, there are far worse things.