Do NOT Blink.

Today, as I was preparing dinner I thought about how nice it is to have twins. They play so well with each other. I gazed out into the living room where the two boys were sharing a blanket and a book, and smiled. Oh, those early years, they were tough. EXHAUSTING. But now, just look at them, best friends, so sweet with each other. Almost brought a tear to my eye.

Then I turned around to put something into the pan, and the scene went from idyllic to every one in time out NOW! In less than a blink of an eye.

Sigh...

It's so nice to have twins.

Stop the presses

We are on night three of wearing underware to bed. Nights one and two went perfectly, but please, think dry thoughts for me.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks

My kids are sports nuts.

Seriously crazy about sports.

I know, I know, apples, trees.

They have been asking to go to a baseball game recently, since baseball is our new passion, from where this sprouted up, who knows, but at least 100 times a week I am asked if we can go play baseball. I am happy to oblige, but I am getting a little tired of getting hit with come-backers!

Sunday we went to the Padres game, for several days, it was all the boys could talk about. How many days until we go to the Padres game? Is tomorrow the day we go to the baseball game? I want to go to the baseball game today. Remember when we went to the baseball game last year? I was pretty relieved when Sunday rolled around.

I just loved this shot of Evan walking with Scott, his mitt under his arm, the cuteness kills me!


While the Padres were busy losing to the Giants, in a truly pathetic offensive performance, MY BOYS were tearing it up!

When the Padres designed their new ball park (PetCo Park) they created this wonderful family friendly environment, where you can picnic, play ball, play in the sand, or on the park play structure, not to mention roll down the big hill. It's only five dollars to get in, and if you have kids, who generally take three hour naps, and you are attempting to push them way beyond to go to a baseball game, it's nice that you can cut and run if things start to go south, and not feel like you've wasted a ton of money.

One of the highlights of the Park at the Park is this miniature baseball field, where all kids can "play" baseball. You stand in line to take an at bat, and run the bases, and you can play in the outfield as long as you want. Generally there were about 30 kids in the outfield, so really amusingly chaotic!

Unfortunately I only had my little point and shoot so these pictures do take some imagination to get the full effect, but oh, my goodness, these boys had fun.

This is Ryan up to bat, he took two at bats and made SOLID contact with the ball both times, hitting the ball well in to the field of play.



I'm always shocked a little by their athleticism, and their fierce determination. (not really)

If you look to the right of this picture in the middle you can see Ryan running the bases. I think he might have been thrown out at first, but it did not matter to him, or any of the other kids out there, they just kept tagging him out, and he just kept running.

On a side note, none of the kids complained that hey you are out, so get off the field. That's pretty cool, and great sportsmanship on the part of all of the older kids out there that actually know the rules! YEA KIDS!

And here Ryan is crossing home plate, with his brother ready to greet him!

Evan also had two at bats, and he did make contact both times, one was a foul ball, but he ran it out anyways. And the second at bat he hit a serious line drive that was not caught by any of the 20 kids attempting to play defense.


If you have good eyes you can just see the ball leaving the bat in the picture below.

And then nothing, except his new "real Padres" hat falling off his head, could stop him from running around the bases. (look closely and you can see the hat on the ground and Evan turning back towards it)


I SWEAR, I have no idea where he learned this, oh shoot, wait I do remember. My bad. As the play was at home plate, Evan crashed into the catcher full speed, attempting to score. You can barely see him as the catcher was about three years older, and maybe a foot taller than Evan. But there, was my kid barreling through the catcher to home plate.


And there is the catcher on the ground, and my kid still standing.


Ryan really seemed to enjoy playing in the field, amongst all of the kids, older, bigger, the better. He'd run after any ball that got hit ANYWHERE on the field, he and at least 20 of the 3o kids out there. SO FREAKING CUTE, all of the kids out there!

He also told us about his friend Matt Brown (name changed to protect the innocent) He said "Matt Brown and I played baseball, he's my friend" I guess, he and Matt shared a moment out there on the field? I love that he was out there making friends. Sigh.

(maybe one of those kids is the mysterious Matt Brown?)

Evan, all he wanted to do was play first base, and first base he played, sort of, well, he stood there, and he looked really cute.


What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Can't wait to do it again.


Oh, and while we did not have to cut and run, the boys were in bed by 5:30 and slept basically through until morning.

First Day of School 2010

It's so hard to believe that it has been a year since the first EVER first day of school. A year ago I was in a panic, afraid that my kids would be crying, and sad. They were fine, had a ton of fun and never looked back. They had a wonderful, successful year where they made lots of friends and learned so much.

We had a wonderful summer, but I think we were all ready to go back to school. After three weeks of Ryan's "inactivity" we were all going a bit stir crazy.

This morning I gave the boys their Schultuete which were filled with books, cars, and a little Lego car.


Ryan insisted on building it immediately (after breakfast). He has an amazing ability to put these things together. He worked on it alone for a few minutes and was doing a great job following the directions. This piece is for a 5-12 year old, so it was a bit difficult, however he mostly needed help making sure the pieces were all secure. Evan, after he finished eating also wanted to build his. His attention span is not as long, or as focused as Ryan's, but he managed to work long enough to get his car together. They were both pretty excited and proud of themselves.



We made it to school and attempted to get the obligatory "First Day of School Photo", however the boys were not exactly co-operative. I have five other pictures with one or more boy looking in one or more direction! This, was the very best of the lot, and well, there was a line growing behind us!



Ryan made pictures for his teachers this morning, and he was very excited to present Mrs. C with his art work. I love that he thought of this all on his own, and set to work with out prompting. Such a big boy.




Evan walked in and went straight to work. The boys are so happy and comfortable. This is the same class room they were in last year, and Mrs. C is one of their teachers from last year too. I can't wait to hear about all of their adventures this year.

100 plus

A few days ago, I completed my 100th Bikram Yoga class.

When I took my first class in January, I never thought it would be something I would enjoy. I really dislike being hot, and I sweat easily, which can be uncomfortable. Throughout the last nine months I've learned a lot about my tolerance for discomfort, and a few other things.

One of my most difficult postures is savasana, or dead body pose. You lay flat on your back heels together toes fall apart, arms relaxed at your sides with palms up. Your eyes are open, and your mind is calm. You are supposed to stay perfectly still, in both mind and body. If you know me, there is no doubt why this pose is more difficult for me than, say, standing bow pulling pose.

Calming my mind, stilling my body...Ha! But balancing on one leg while the other leg is up over my head, I'm getting better at that! I have seen improvement in all of my practice, and depending on how many classes I make a week, it is considerable.

Working on my mind, is and I think will always be the most difficult part of my practice. It's hard to check everything at the door. The kids, the house, the to do list. And then there are the distractions in the room. The people who fidget, who talk, who do not follow proper etiquette before, during and after class, I fight my judgements. (which are also to be checked at the door!) I fight the disappointment when the teacher is not one of my "favorites". All these things are in my mind, and hindering my mind body connection. I know I cannot improve my practice without quieting my thoughts.

Bikram also stresses patience. (which is another area that I need lots of work in) While patience in class is great, patience in my life is even better. Bikram makes me a better parent. The more classes I take, the more patience I am able to bring to my everyday. The noise, oh the constant noise, around me doesn't seem to penetrate when I am actively practicing. It is almost like I have a little force field of calm, where from inside I can laugh at the din, instead of feeling it touch every raw nerve.

I love that not only am I working on my strength, and my flexibility, but I am also working on my character while practicing Bikram yoga. Bikram says it is a full body work out every time you take a class. For me it really is a full body workout, head to toes, bones to skin, inside out.

I just hope that sometime in the next 100 classes I find a way to calm my mind, if even for 20 seconds at a time.

and Exhale....

All went well on Friday. Ryan was in and out of surgery in less than two hours. They found all that they expected, scar tissue consistent with grade IV reflux. They re-implanted the ureter and did not expect anything but total success.

My boy was such a trooper. Here he is in the waiting room.





I missed the best shot of the day because I couldn't get my camera out fast enough. When it was time, the nurse took him by his hand and walked him down the hallway. Ryan looked back, smiled, and was off. I will never forget that image, I just wish I had it to share.

Here he is being rolled from recovery to his room. He was so sweet, just after I took this he reached out to hold my hand. Not easy to walk along side a bed moving quickly down narrow hallways!


In his bed, being silly. He was such a brave boy. Only shed a few tears, once when he moved from the gurney to his bed, he said it was because he couldn't see me anymore, or my theory is he hurt himself a little bit during the move.


He was in a considerable amount of pain the first few times he tried to get up, and when he tried the first time to pee, but otherwise, he was content to have us read. So, from about 3PM on Friday until he was released at 11 AM we read, and read, and read.

By Sunday it was difficult to keep Ryan from popping out all of his stitches, and today, I feel like it's going to be a long, long three weeks.

I have heart burn

I'm sitting here on the eve of Ryan's surgery and I don't know what I feel.

As I kissed him goodnight this evening, I got a bit teary.

Overcome.

I am struggling for the words to explain the emotions.

I think when you go through an experience like a pre-term birth, followed by an extended NICU stay, filled with complication after complication, you always (even more than four years later) fight with a bit of post traumatic stress.

The feelings rear their ugly heads at the strangest times (and the most obvious ones). They fill you up from your heart out. It's like a slow burning. Like heart burn only deeper in your chest, its in your soul.

Intellectually, I know he will be fine, better than ever.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck. All over the map. Cleverly held together by two little boys who don't know what to do when their Momma cries.

My heart soul is burning and it is not showing signs of stopping. I suspect it will finally ease up around the time I have my baby back in my arms tomorrow.