I was in Savasana in yoga today and I realized something. It is March 30th! Two days and Seven years ago, my life was changed forever.
For the past six years March 28th has been frought with angst, sadness and shortness of breath. This year, it seems to have passed without event.
I still don't watch the NCAA Tournament like I used to. At the start of it, I felt a bit angsty, I knew it was that time of year again, but not in the same way...
If I take the time to reflect I can work myself up into a tizzy, but it doesn't seem to to perccolate to the surface out of nowhere anymore...
Interesting.
Seven years ago,
I was in a hospital bed, convinced I would be there for another ten or twelve weeks at least! I was settling in for the long haul. That long haul was only seven more days!
Seven years later,
I have two boys who are nearly seven years old. Wow. Just Wow.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Sometimes the rules don't matter. (and, I need to remember that)
It is 2 o'clock in the morning and I am feeling pretty rotten.
In the past few weeks I have had a couple of incidents of bad parenting. Today was a gigantic fail. Epic.
Today I got so wrapped up in "the rules" that I forgot that my boys are only 6 (almost 7) and that they are enthusiastic and that they enjoy life to the fullest.
We were on a field trip today, first the aquarium and then the park at the beach. The rule was no one was supposed to go in the water. Of course, I knew better, I knew that my kids would not be able to resist. I even said it to their teacher. But instead of just being prepared, with extra clothes, I chose to be a hard ass. To make them follow the rules. And when they broke the rules, I made them regret it. And now I am the one up at 2 AM regretting it, unable to sleep because I turned what should have been a fun time into something totally opposite.
What really made me feel awful about making my boys sit out of all of the fun, because they broke the "rules" was a picture posted by one of the other moms on the field trip. I think it must have been taken moments before I found them in the water.
When I saw it, I saw clearly what I was missing today on the beach. Their joy. You cannot even see their faces clearly, but it is their body language, I can feel their happiness. It looks as if Evan's feet are not even touching the ground. (I apologize for the inelegant black boxes over the other kids faces, but it is nearly 2:30 now, and I don't want to go to my desktop to open photoshop, nor do I think I will be able to get permission from the other four parents at this hour. As it is, I hope when the photographer wakes up in the morning she is okay with me using this photo)
Honestly, why didn't I just bring extra clothes, and embrace the moment? Why did I have to take this moment of joy and turn it into anything but joy? This is going to be one of those memories that I will never, never, never forget, it will make me sick forever.
Now I wait until they wake up so I can apologize.
In the past few weeks I have had a couple of incidents of bad parenting. Today was a gigantic fail. Epic.
Today I got so wrapped up in "the rules" that I forgot that my boys are only 6 (almost 7) and that they are enthusiastic and that they enjoy life to the fullest.
We were on a field trip today, first the aquarium and then the park at the beach. The rule was no one was supposed to go in the water. Of course, I knew better, I knew that my kids would not be able to resist. I even said it to their teacher. But instead of just being prepared, with extra clothes, I chose to be a hard ass. To make them follow the rules. And when they broke the rules, I made them regret it. And now I am the one up at 2 AM regretting it, unable to sleep because I turned what should have been a fun time into something totally opposite.
What really made me feel awful about making my boys sit out of all of the fun, because they broke the "rules" was a picture posted by one of the other moms on the field trip. I think it must have been taken moments before I found them in the water.
When I saw it, I saw clearly what I was missing today on the beach. Their joy. You cannot even see their faces clearly, but it is their body language, I can feel their happiness. It looks as if Evan's feet are not even touching the ground. (I apologize for the inelegant black boxes over the other kids faces, but it is nearly 2:30 now, and I don't want to go to my desktop to open photoshop, nor do I think I will be able to get permission from the other four parents at this hour. As it is, I hope when the photographer wakes up in the morning she is okay with me using this photo)
Honestly, why didn't I just bring extra clothes, and embrace the moment? Why did I have to take this moment of joy and turn it into anything but joy? This is going to be one of those memories that I will never, never, never forget, it will make me sick forever.
Now I wait until they wake up so I can apologize.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
PTSD and the Preemie Expreience
A friend, NICU mom times two posted this link on Facebook this week
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
The story states that parents who have experienced the NICU may suffer from PTSD like symptoms.
We. Absolutely. Do.
I remember the first time I walked back into the NICU after the boys had been released. It had been close to a year I believe...I signed in, opened the door and then I suddenly grew shaky, I started to sweat, I was chilled, I was pale and clammy, and I started to cry. It was like opening up the gates to a type of hell. The sounds, the sights, the smells. One of the nursed said, "that happens all the time". If that isn't PTSD, I don't know what is.
Recently there have been several television shows that have featured premature baby story lines. I find myself either sobbing or cursing at the unrealistic portrayal. I get a lump in my throat at commercials promoting the new and improved NICU in town. I hold my breath and my tongue when I hear about pregnant friends. I worry until the baby reaches ~30 weeks gestation. I breathe again after 37 weeks. I will never look at pregnancy as a happy event, and that is crazy! But I can't stop worrying! If that isn't PTSD, I don't know what is.
My NICU friends and I have often discussed just how much the experience has affected us. We often ponder how the experience has changed our parenting styles. The way we look at our children. I see the big three potential areas things could be different if my kids were term babies.
Illness
Having to keep my babies away from people, worrying every day that they might get RSV, and end up back in the hospital, for the first two cold and flu seasons, changed or rather exacerbated my germophobia. I think, don't quote me on this, that there is a statistic that says 4 out of 5 preemies end up back in the hospital in the first year. That we escaped with both boys is nothing short of a miracle, or maybe it was the gallons and gallons of hand sanitizer and the hermits lifestyle we led.
I still to this day have gallons of sanitizer in the house. I harp to wash, wash, wash. We use sanitizer when we are out and about, double that during cold and flu season. Is that a carry over from our NICU experience? Maybe.
Development and Education
Worrying about every single developmental milestone changed the way I look at education. I have the potential to be a Tiger Mom, I'll admit it. My parents were Tiger-like. I was a high achiever, my husband is a high achiever, we could want and expect that from our kids too. But not knowing if you child would walk, or talk, or develop in any of the normal ways, changes everything. Constantly adjusting for prematurity, changes you.
(from the March of Dimes-
Babies who are born prematurely often have two ages:
I found that I was desperate for my kids to have an education that didn't pressure them into conforming to what a district thought was important. I did not want to set them up for potential failure if their prematurity affected their ability to learn traditionally.
Trauma in general
This is a weird category, but I have these things, that I can only define as traumas, or worst case scenarios, morbid thoughts.
I think only a preemie parent wonders if their child is still breathing, if they should for a change (a rare, rare, change) sleep in in the morning. That's not a normal thing is it? I've always attributed that to the PTSD. The seeing my kids turn blue, purple and black because they forgot to breathe.
This might just be a twin mom thing, but I worry that one twin will die. At first I wondered would the baby remember his twin? Now I wonder how the other will go on. They love each other so much! I know we would be devastated, but what about the surviving twin? They are best friends, besties forever.
Do parents of non-preemies worry that their kids are going to die? Is a preemie thing? or do I need help?
What kind of parent would I have been had my boys not been born at 26 weeks? Had they not spent five months in the hospital fighting for life? Would I be a germ loving, tiger mom, with stressed, over committed kids, achieving no matter what the cost? I wonder.
I realize all of the above sounds kind of crazy. I know. The experience of living in the NICU for FIVE MONTHS is something that not many people have had, if you have not lived it you cannot judge it. The trauma is something that will follow us forever. It is something that will always guide our decisions and actions, it is not something you can un-see. I wish it was. I wish it was.
So yes, parents who have had an extensive NICU stay suffer from PTSD. I am living proof, along with all of the amazing moms and dads that were there in the trenches with us. We are living proof.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
The story states that parents who have experienced the NICU may suffer from PTSD like symptoms.
We. Absolutely. Do.
I remember the first time I walked back into the NICU after the boys had been released. It had been close to a year I believe...I signed in, opened the door and then I suddenly grew shaky, I started to sweat, I was chilled, I was pale and clammy, and I started to cry. It was like opening up the gates to a type of hell. The sounds, the sights, the smells. One of the nursed said, "that happens all the time". If that isn't PTSD, I don't know what is.
Recently there have been several television shows that have featured premature baby story lines. I find myself either sobbing or cursing at the unrealistic portrayal. I get a lump in my throat at commercials promoting the new and improved NICU in town. I hold my breath and my tongue when I hear about pregnant friends. I worry until the baby reaches ~30 weeks gestation. I breathe again after 37 weeks. I will never look at pregnancy as a happy event, and that is crazy! But I can't stop worrying! If that isn't PTSD, I don't know what is.
My NICU friends and I have often discussed just how much the experience has affected us. We often ponder how the experience has changed our parenting styles. The way we look at our children. I see the big three potential areas things could be different if my kids were term babies.
Illness
Having to keep my babies away from people, worrying every day that they might get RSV, and end up back in the hospital, for the first two cold and flu seasons, changed or rather exacerbated my germophobia. I think, don't quote me on this, that there is a statistic that says 4 out of 5 preemies end up back in the hospital in the first year. That we escaped with both boys is nothing short of a miracle, or maybe it was the gallons and gallons of hand sanitizer and the hermits lifestyle we led.
I still to this day have gallons of sanitizer in the house. I harp to wash, wash, wash. We use sanitizer when we are out and about, double that during cold and flu season. Is that a carry over from our NICU experience? Maybe.
Development and Education
Worrying about every single developmental milestone changed the way I look at education. I have the potential to be a Tiger Mom, I'll admit it. My parents were Tiger-like. I was a high achiever, my husband is a high achiever, we could want and expect that from our kids too. But not knowing if you child would walk, or talk, or develop in any of the normal ways, changes everything. Constantly adjusting for prematurity, changes you.
(from the March of Dimes-
Babies who are born prematurely often have two ages:
- Chronological age is the age of the baby from the day of birth—the number of days, weeks or years old the baby is.
- Adjusted age is the age of the baby based on his due date. Health care providers may use this age when they evaluate the baby's growth and development. So, if a baby is 6 months old, but was born two months early, his adjusted age is 4 months.)
I found that I was desperate for my kids to have an education that didn't pressure them into conforming to what a district thought was important. I did not want to set them up for potential failure if their prematurity affected their ability to learn traditionally.
Trauma in general
This is a weird category, but I have these things, that I can only define as traumas, or worst case scenarios, morbid thoughts.
I think only a preemie parent wonders if their child is still breathing, if they should for a change (a rare, rare, change) sleep in in the morning. That's not a normal thing is it? I've always attributed that to the PTSD. The seeing my kids turn blue, purple and black because they forgot to breathe.
This might just be a twin mom thing, but I worry that one twin will die. At first I wondered would the baby remember his twin? Now I wonder how the other will go on. They love each other so much! I know we would be devastated, but what about the surviving twin? They are best friends, besties forever.
Do parents of non-preemies worry that their kids are going to die? Is a preemie thing? or do I need help?
What kind of parent would I have been had my boys not been born at 26 weeks? Had they not spent five months in the hospital fighting for life? Would I be a germ loving, tiger mom, with stressed, over committed kids, achieving no matter what the cost? I wonder.
I realize all of the above sounds kind of crazy. I know. The experience of living in the NICU for FIVE MONTHS is something that not many people have had, if you have not lived it you cannot judge it. The trauma is something that will follow us forever. It is something that will always guide our decisions and actions, it is not something you can un-see. I wish it was. I wish it was.
So yes, parents who have had an extensive NICU stay suffer from PTSD. I am living proof, along with all of the amazing moms and dads that were there in the trenches with us. We are living proof.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Some Recent Funnies
These kids crack me up.
During sharing, early in the year, the boys had to share something about their heritage. I wrote their middle names in Japanese for them and we talked about being Japanese and Norwegian.
During their sharing, one of their friends said, "I didn't know you were Japanese" to which Evan responded, hands flung in the air, "I KNOW!!!!! We JUST found out!"
Their teacher Ms. Erin, laughed so hard she cried.
The other day, Imade tried to make my Aunt's Fried Chicken. It calls for an ice cold salt bath overnight, so I assumed brine. I cooked up the chicken, using the translated from Japanese instructions provided to me from another relative who watched once as she prepared the dish and asked some questions. I have a few of these recipes from her, and well not always perfect, I have managed to recreate some of Auntie Masako's finest. (her potato rolls are my crowning achievement)
I fried up the chicken, plated it up and served it to my boys.
Evan: "What makes this chicken taste so much like salt, mom?"
Ryan: "It's okay, as long as you don't eat too much of it."
Their kind and tactful words were very, very kind.
The chicken, it was inedible.
When I said this out loud. Ryan said, "no, not really inedible, just hard to eat."
During sharing, early in the year, the boys had to share something about their heritage. I wrote their middle names in Japanese for them and we talked about being Japanese and Norwegian.
During their sharing, one of their friends said, "I didn't know you were Japanese" to which Evan responded, hands flung in the air, "I KNOW!!!!! We JUST found out!"
Their teacher Ms. Erin, laughed so hard she cried.
The other day, I
I fried up the chicken, plated it up and served it to my boys.
Evan: "What makes this chicken taste so much like salt, mom?"
Ryan: "It's okay, as long as you don't eat too much of it."
Their kind and tactful words were very, very kind.
The chicken, it was inedible.
When I said this out loud. Ryan said, "no, not really inedible, just hard to eat."
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Reading Ryan
So this transition into first grade has been seamless. The boys LOVE their teacher, and I do as well. She is thoughtful about her lessons, she is dedicated to her kids, she is funny, sarcastic, and an amazingly patient teacher.
Evan has been reading for some time now. It really clicked with him. He is reading books at about a third grade level, but I find that he can sound out just about any word that follows traditional rules. Scary, I now have to be very careful with what I leave laying about.
Ryan, has been slower on the uptake, and it was alarming. I could not get him to read ANY thing to me. He would tell me he couldn't or it was confusing. So imagine my surprise when I went in for Parent Teacher conferences to learn that he was one of the best readers in the class. "Ryan?" I asked, "No, you mean Evan" No, she meant Ryan. That little faker.
Ryan has always loved to be read to. He was the kid that I read to for four straight hours one day when he was sick. He is the kid that would choose having stories read to him over Legos...okay maybe not, but he loves to be read to. So, I guess in his little brain, he decided that if he shows me he can read, he will not get stories read to him.
Since that meeting, I have breathed a bit easier, not pushed him to read to me as much. However while on a cleaning binge, I found a set a books that I had picked up quite a while back, I gave them to Ryan, made a big fuss about how these were books I knew he could read and they could be his special books that he could keep in his room. Within minutes, he was calling me to come see, he could read this whole page!!! Success!!!!
Evan has been reading for some time now. It really clicked with him. He is reading books at about a third grade level, but I find that he can sound out just about any word that follows traditional rules. Scary, I now have to be very careful with what I leave laying about.
Ryan, has been slower on the uptake, and it was alarming. I could not get him to read ANY thing to me. He would tell me he couldn't or it was confusing. So imagine my surprise when I went in for Parent Teacher conferences to learn that he was one of the best readers in the class. "Ryan?" I asked, "No, you mean Evan" No, she meant Ryan. That little faker.
Ryan has always loved to be read to. He was the kid that I read to for four straight hours one day when he was sick. He is the kid that would choose having stories read to him over Legos...okay maybe not, but he loves to be read to. So, I guess in his little brain, he decided that if he shows me he can read, he will not get stories read to him.
Since that meeting, I have breathed a bit easier, not pushed him to read to me as much. However while on a cleaning binge, I found a set a books that I had picked up quite a while back, I gave them to Ryan, made a big fuss about how these were books I knew he could read and they could be his special books that he could keep in his room. Within minutes, he was calling me to come see, he could read this whole page!!! Success!!!!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Hold them closer tonight
When I heard the news today that a gunman had opened fire on an elementary school, my heart sank, then it shattered, then it beat out of my chest until I wanted to throw up. I cannot begin to imagine the immense pain and grief all of the parents in Newtown are experiencing. When I think about them, I cannot help crying. When I see those little faces I cannot breathe. When I see the parents clutching their safe children, I loose it. Those faces could be the faces of my babies.
I drop off my children at school everyday with expectations that they will be safe. We all do as parents. How something so horrible could happen to our most precious, is unfathomable. As I write this, there are still so many questions, so much more information to come out, but what we all know is that something like this should never have happened.
It took everything in my power not to race to school, just to hug my babies. I almost never leave them without a hug and a kiss, but today they were engrossed in work, and oblivious to me calling them over for a hug and kiss, so I waved blew them kisses for my own heart, and I left. What if that was the last time I ever saw my boys alive?
As I waited for pick up time, I grew anxious. I couldn't wait to hold those boys in my arms again.
Making a conscious decision not to discuss this with the boys, we just went on with our day, dinner, hockey practice, bath, and then at bed time...I think it was Ryan, but I could be wrong, suggested a family cuddle, out of the blue. Not just Mommy! he said, but Mommy, Daddy, and the whole family.
After a day like today, it was the perfect suggestion. The four of us, and the two cats, jumped into bed for the best cuddle of my life.
Hold them close, Hold them close.
I drop off my children at school everyday with expectations that they will be safe. We all do as parents. How something so horrible could happen to our most precious, is unfathomable. As I write this, there are still so many questions, so much more information to come out, but what we all know is that something like this should never have happened.
It took everything in my power not to race to school, just to hug my babies. I almost never leave them without a hug and a kiss, but today they were engrossed in work, and oblivious to me calling them over for a hug and kiss, so I waved blew them kisses for my own heart, and I left. What if that was the last time I ever saw my boys alive?
As I waited for pick up time, I grew anxious. I couldn't wait to hold those boys in my arms again.
Making a conscious decision not to discuss this with the boys, we just went on with our day, dinner, hockey practice, bath, and then at bed time...I think it was Ryan, but I could be wrong, suggested a family cuddle, out of the blue. Not just Mommy! he said, but Mommy, Daddy, and the whole family.
After a day like today, it was the perfect suggestion. The four of us, and the two cats, jumped into bed for the best cuddle of my life.
Hold them close, Hold them close.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Growing up Foodie
I know I've talked about this before, but raising foodie kids has its upside and its downside.
I know that I did this to myself. I encourage my children to try anything and everything! I take huge pride in the fact that my kids love the obscure, the non-traditional kids fare. I do also remember a time when all I could get them to eat was crunchy food or hot dogs.
Last night, while playing for legos, waiting for me to finish dinner Ryan calls out from the other room
"Mom! Can I have some cucumbers and garlic aioli?" I know, If you had a nickle for every time you heard that!!!
Tonight, running in from the other room, spying the sliced tomatoes on the cutting board, he sneaks in to snitch one.
While making soup the other day, Evan delights in the fact that I was putting Kale into the soup. "Oh, Yum, I LOVE kale!!!"
While ordering sushi, "don't forget the smelt roe!!!"
Just moments in my life when I can delight in the fact that my kids are growing up foodie.
Oh yeah, Downside? When I can spend $80 on sushi for the three of us. Or when they would prefer to eat at Urge Gastropub rather than Roundtable. Foodie kids are expensive, foodie teenagers? oh my!!!
I know that I did this to myself. I encourage my children to try anything and everything! I take huge pride in the fact that my kids love the obscure, the non-traditional kids fare. I do also remember a time when all I could get them to eat was crunchy food or hot dogs.
Last night, while playing for legos, waiting for me to finish dinner Ryan calls out from the other room
"Mom! Can I have some cucumbers and garlic aioli?" I know, If you had a nickle for every time you heard that!!!
Tonight, running in from the other room, spying the sliced tomatoes on the cutting board, he sneaks in to snitch one.
While making soup the other day, Evan delights in the fact that I was putting Kale into the soup. "Oh, Yum, I LOVE kale!!!"
While ordering sushi, "don't forget the smelt roe!!!"
Just moments in my life when I can delight in the fact that my kids are growing up foodie.
Oh yeah, Downside? When I can spend $80 on sushi for the three of us. Or when they would prefer to eat at Urge Gastropub rather than Roundtable. Foodie kids are expensive, foodie teenagers? oh my!!!
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