My throat tightens a little just thinking about it.

A preemie mom friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to a blog of a preemie mom this week.  The "Dear New NICU Mom" post was actually a post by another preemie mommy blogger. These Mommies are only about 3 years out from their NICU experience, and reading through their blogs, I can recall it all so very clearly. The absolute terror of RSV, the realization that they are all suffering PTSD, all of these things they blog about, or blogged about talking about? Been there, done that... but one paragraph in this post really stood out, and made me reflect on those NICU days, and where we are now.

"...And finally, know that you’re not alone. Some of the most therapeutic times are found in the NICU when moms begin to connect. Share stories with each other. As you begin talking, you’ll likely find that these women who you thought were so different from you, have now become the only ones who understand your heart. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. Chances are, they’ll appreciate knowing that they’re not the only ones feeling this way either."

I will forever be grateful to Lindsay and Jamie, who in the middle of the most terrifying time in THEIR lives, took the time to reach out to Scott and Me.  I don't remember the words very well,  I was in a Mag induced haze, but I remember the kindness in their faces, I remember the words, if you have questions, anything we can do to help, and we've been there. It was that moment, that simple act, that changed our NICU stay, and what we took away from it.

Because of what Lindsay and Jamie did, (and what Keri and Craig did for to start it all) and how much it meant to me, I reached out to Nina and Todd, and they reached out to Saffron and Juan, and they reached out to Katy and Scott, and because of that simple act, a community was formed. A support system of people who understood, understand.

In my volunteer work with new NICU moms, I always suggest getting to know their neighbors.  I tell them how much it meant to me.  How six and a half years later, I am friends with those people, our kids are friends, we still celebrate birthdays and milestones, and life together.  I hope I stress enough just how important that connection is, was and will always be.

BlogHer Book Club: Diary of a Submissive: A Modern True Tale of Sexual Awakening

Diary of a Submissive: A Modern True Tale of Sexual Awakening, by Sophie Morgan was in a word, awful.  

This book, has been compared to other books of note recently that deal with the subject of Dominant/submissive relationships, and it has been touted as a more well written book. While yes, the sentence structure and word choices are more polished, it is still not what I would consider interesting reading.

The subject matter is handled bluntly and openly, and that is not what turns me off about the book, but that it is just boring. Had I not been paid to read this book, I would have stopped after the first few chapters.  

The book felt self indulgent.  You know when you are talking to someone, and it feels like they are talking just because they love to hear the sound of their own voice? Well if you could translate that into reading, that is exactly how I felt reading this book.  I found myself shouting “Shut UP”  in my head.

The book claims to give you insight to a submissive, but all I got was a few sex scenes and the banality of one girl’s life.  I would much rather we call a spade a spade, call the book erotic fiction, rather than a memoir, and the expectation of any literary talent would be at a minimum. (Millions of women did not read that other series for its dynamic prose) The expectation, or maybe it is just my expectation with a memoir, is that the author has at the very least something interesting to say. Sadly nothing could be farther from the truth with Diary of a Submissive: A Modern True Tale of Sexual Awakening.

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This is a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club, however the opinions expressed are mine alone.

Kindergarten we loved you so

It seems I started this post the last day of school, and never finished, or posted...go figure. 

The first picture is from day one of Kindergarten followed by pictures from the last day of school.  I am so far behind, and there have been some really fun things that happened over the summer! I need to do a big giant post to catch up!

Until then, know the boys had a great year, summer and are having a blast as first graders!

  

Quilt I made for our wonderful teacher.  All of the kids did a panel.

 

We had a Luau the last day of school.

BlogHer Book Club: Matched

Matched is the first novel in a dystopian trilogy by Ally Condie. This piece of young adult fiction finds us living in “The Society”, where we meet Cassia a young girl, about to take the first step into adulthood.

In this society, everything is predetermined.  There are no choices. Everyone is fed a government prescribed diet. There is no sharing food because the calories are carefully portioned. Your job is based on your aptitude. Free time is portioned out sparingly. Even the day you die is predetermined.

Almost every person attends their Matching Ceremony after their seventeenth birthday to find out who will become their future husband or wife.  Almost always it is a person in a far away region.  In an unlikely outcome Cassia is matched to her best friend Xander.  

Cassia and Xander are childhood friends.  They grew up playing together, they know each other and their families know each other.  Everything is great!  Cassia and Xander are delighted.  That is when everything goes wrong.  

Cassia puts her microchip with information about Xander, her match into her port.  Xander’s face pops up on the screen, but it is quickly replaced with the image of another boy.  And not just any boy, but another she knows well.

The rest of the novel takes us through Cassia’s internal conflict. It raises questions in Cassia that she never had before.  Throughout her life she has been a conformist, never once questioning the rules, or the predetermined outcomes in her life.  Suddenly, she is a fountain of questions.

A pretty typical coming of age scenario, set in a futuristic time and place, but typical none the less. It was a quick read, and I did find myself “reading just one more chapter”, but I think I was expecting more. The cliffhanger does make me hopeful for more adventure and excitement to come in the next two novels, but the ordinary storytelling in Matched does not make me want to go out there and buy them.

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club, however the opinions are all mine.

Reliving the Preemie Experience

In the last year I have been volunteering my time to speak with parents who are going through similar NICU stays.  Parents of gravely ill babies born way too early.  It has been rewarding and even sometimes really hard. 

More than six years after the premature birth of my boys, my very healthy and happy children, I can still be pulled back into the nightmare, the horror that is prematurity.

The families that I have worked with were wonderful.  They've all had that perfect mix of fight and fright.  Never too optimistic, never too down.  You have to be that way with the prospect of a prolonged NICU stay. It has been a great experience, and I really enjoy working with them, but they are essentially strangers, it is easier somehow.

In the last 30+ days I have been too close to prematurity again.

34 days ago, a friend, a former NICU friend, gave birth to her son, prematurely. In a country that admits to being 15 years behind the US in their neonatal medicine.  At 26 weeks.  I know 26 weeks so intimately. Her son, was only 1 pound 7 ounces.  Even more Micro than my Micros He has already had a brain bleed and NEC,  however on the positive side, he is sprinting, and his lungs seem to be doing so much better than my 26 weekers.  Everyday she posts an update on Facebook.  Everyday I hold my breath as I read it.  I know so well how quickly something can change.  NEC -- That scares me so much.  We escaped its wrath, but each time I read that they are increasing his feeds, or that his belly is a little distended, I cringe.  She is so positive, and strong, and guardedly optimistic.  In the first few days I would scream at the computer at all of her other friends congratulations, and positivity.  Only someone who has been through all the ups and downs can know how painful congratulations can be.

Just last week another preemie was born to a friend of the family.  27/6. Preeclampsia.  It all comes back so strongly. Every up and down. Every milestone.  First skin to skin. First feed. This boy is doing really well.  So far no major issues.  I am holding my breath, can you tell?

As much as I want to know what is happening with these babies, it is hard. I am trying to follow "casually". Maybe it is a protective wall. I worry about these friends.  Every day.  My heart aches for them. Every day. Their babies get stronger. Every day.

and maybe I do too.

BlogHer Book Club: Daring Greatly

Brene Brown's Daring Greatly delves into the notion that vulnerability is at the core of all things.  Vulnerability and the way we either embrace it, or hide from it, influences our happiness and how we live.

I have to admit that non-fiction is really not my favorite genre.  There are many reasons, one important one is that I am a skimmer.  I typically read very fast.  I gloss over many of the words and just focus on the meat.  However, when reading non-fiction, that is nearly impossible.  Another reason I rarely read non-fiction is time.  I have very little of it, reading is a luxury, a stolen moment, something I wish I could do more of, but with two little kids, who always want me to read to them, very rarely do I read a book without pictures.  When I do get those glorious moments of uninterrupted reading time, well, they are in about 5 minute increments.  Waiting for my kids to be let out of school, or waiting in line somewhere, or right before I fall asleep.  So, reading non-fiction in those few stolen moments, skimming the way I do, means I do not fully digest the meat. It's easy to follow along with fiction, eventually I remember what happened 40 pages and 4 days ago, however with non-fiction, it is like starting all over again.

So with Daring Greatly, I have to say I struggled.  Oh, did I struggle.  I took notes. I highlighted. I re-read and re-read. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Brown is an engaging writer!  She has many important and interesting ideas, I just have twenty million other things swirling around in my brain and I had difficulty keeping up!

There are a few things that really stood out for me. The whole idea of Daring Greatly, of abandoning shame and allowing ones self to be vulnerable, is an interesting concept.  Brene Brown defines vulnerability as exposure, uncertainty, and emotional risk. Why would anyone want to put it all out there, to be that exposed? She states, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage". Ultimately allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to be exposed, opens us up to find that knowledge that we are worthy.

Shame is the emotion that keeps us from living wholeheartedly.  Shame is the emotion that makes it impossible for us to embrace vulnerability.  What spoke to me most was the chapter about child rearing and shame.  How do we raise children to live wholeheartedly, with out shame? What are the things we can do or say to remove shame from our children's lives? Since these childhood experiences shape who we are, can we as parents give tools to our kids to make them adults who know they are worthy, knowing they are enough?

I am sure that I will be revisiting this book, returning to areas as I continue to raise my children.  There were many examples and ideas that I want to read again, and try to absorb more fully.  I believe this is a book that can be used as a reference manual to life.

This has been a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club, but the opinions expressed were all mine.

Evan at Six

Evan, you are such a firecracker! Never silent, never still.

Your spirit is so bright. The light that comes from you is almost overwhelming! Your hugs are so fierce, you latch on with your arms and legs, the love that transmits from your limbs is intoxicating. You love so passionately. You are always all in.

You are thriving at school!! You love your teacher and your classmates. Your major issues are the issues I worried about for you in traditional public school. One of the primary reasons I chose Sparrow is so your spirit wouldn't be squashed by having to conform to what is considered normal in public school. You still need to be reminded everyday what proper behavior is in the classroom but you are never made to feel less than if you cannot achieve this perfectly. You are lovingly reminded and will continue to be reminded until you find a way to control the energy surging through your little body!

You are excelling at reading.  I am constantly amazed at the words you read.  I watch you look around a room and then exclaim "that says..."  I should have known that you would be the first to read since you were always the child that longed for words, and you are the child that is never at a loss for them.

I have heard from many parents that you are constantly praising my cooking or talking about the food I make for you.  This from my child who would not eat.  Sigh. How far we have come.

You are the life of the party, singing and humming the Imperial March constantly! You have stopped singing the National Anthem for me, which makes me sad. I miss you busting it out when ever the feeling moved you.

You are so into Star Wars and you know all of the characters, since you have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, I am amazed, and amused.  You and Ryan have intense conversations about the characters, what they do, and if they are good guys or bad guys. 

I love your passion, your sense of right and wrong, your spirit, your ability to engage anyone in conversation, I love that there is no half way for you! I love you!