Did you ever have one of those days?

Today was it for me.

The boys are sick, colds, with coughs. So we've been avoiding our normal group activities, OT, Music Class, etc. in an effort not to infect the rest of the world. In not doing our normally scheduled activities, that leaves a few extra mornings that need to be filled with activities. This week we've been to the Aquarium, Quail Botanical Gardens, The Zoo and we've even spent a morning wandering the horse trails.

Today I wasn't really sure what to do, I just knew we had to get out and do something. I woke up feeling sub par, my throat was a bit scratchy, and my ribs hurt. I'm sure I got kicked or something but I'm really not sure how they got hurt I just know it's hard to take deep breaths. So knowing all of these things, it makes perfect sense to head to the Zoo.

The only downside to the Zoo is that there aren't a lot of places to let the boys out to walk, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting them out to tire them out. (But being that they are both a bit under the weather it's not a bad choice.) I guess the other downside is that this means I spend most of the day pushing around 53 pounds of baby, 35 pounds of stroller, and a couple of pounds of miscellaneous stuff, like lunch. That's close to a hundred pounds! Granted it rolls, but no matter how you look at it, rolling 100 pounds up hill, is a chore. Plus along the way, you have to stop and look at what ever is along the path. That means starting up hill from a dead stop. About half way though our morning I decided that I would NOT come home and run on my elliptical, this "hill workout" was more than enough.

The boys enjoyed their ride, we got out a bit at the Children's Zoo, and then settled down for lunch. This is where a nice day turned.

I went to the snack stand window, asked them to heat up Ryan's meal of choice, Dino Bites, and I was met with resistance. "HUH?" Now, I've been going to the Zoo and the Wild Animal Park for at least a year now. Once, maybe twice a week. And for the last nine months, I've had someone in a snack stand heat up Ryan's Dino Bites. And for the last nine months I've only had one encounter where they refused, I then walked a few steps to the next stand and they obliged. This time I was told no way, no how, impossible, health code, microwave settings, rules, blah, blah, blah. I then pointed to my adorable boys and said, "Just last week, right here, I had these heated up, Friday! Never ever had any problems, now how am I supposed to feed my children???"

Well the unyielding inflexible nice lady gave us 4 chicken tenders for Ryan to eat but absolutely refused to heat up ours. Many of you are aware that Ryan is a picky eater. He really only consistently eats Dino Bites and sweet potato fries. And he is a brand snob. He'll eat other Dino Bites, but he does have his favorite brand and that brand he eats with gusto.

We sat down to eat, Ryan took one bite of these chicken tenders, chewed it for a while and spat it out on the floor. He looked at me and signed chicken and said "bok, bok". Of course I said "right in front of you honey" And with all his earnestness, Ryan looked at me and said "NNNO" tossed half of his chicken on the ground and repeated, "NNNO" With no alternative, I told him "Eat your chicken honey!" (I also lectured him on not throwing his food on the floor) Then the crying shrieking began. and it continued. and continued. Here is the point where if I was a mom of a singleton, we would have left immediately. But as I was desperately trying to get Evan to eat his lunch, Ryan sat and shrieked. All I could do was suggest to him that it was all right, and he had a perfectly good lunch in front of him and all the crying in the world wasn't going to change that chicken into something he'd eat.

It was a miserable lunch. People looking at us must have shook their heads and thought what is wrong with that mother and why can't she control her child. I did get sympathetic looks from a mother of twin three year old girls, but I was too busy trying to regain control to notice disdain or other.

*******
The icing on the cake of this day, I made my fajitas for dinner, sat down, took a bite, the salsa had gone bad. Argh!!!

All is not lost, I just finished a bowl of sunshine.

Quail Botanical Guard

We went to the Quail Botanical Gardens today. A while back we took the boys with our friends Philip, Meredith and their son Tobin. Back then, it wasn't the best place in the world for the kids. They were barely walking and all of the interactive things for toddlers were just a bit above their level. I knew it was a place that we'd have to come back to some day because it's a really nice place with a wonderful children's garden. They have programs for toddlers/preschoolers almost everyday, bubbles, a play house, and lots of water activities.



Today was music and story time. We arrived in time to play in the "Seeds of Wonder" garden for about an hour. 45 minutes of that hour were spent doing this:


I think I might have a Garden Railroader on my hands. (Stop laughing Jeff and Beckie)

When we sat down for music time, Evan wanted no part of it. (This is starting to be a trend with him) There were about 40 kids so it was a bit overwhelming, but not for Ryan. While Evan and I hung out around the corner, but still in full sight of Ry, Ryan sat down, front and center, transfixed, mesmerized, spellbound.
Evan came around near the end when she sang the 5 little speckled frog song. Something about frogs for this guy, he gets this obsession from his dad. (someday ask Scott about Buford)



One of the really fun activities, or at least an activity that is supposed to be really fun, is this station set up for the kids to re-plant a succulent. There's a big table full of dirt and trowels, kid's dream right?



Okay, I should stop here and say, I am very Type A, very anal retentive, I like things neat and orderly. (um--that was BC--Before Children) I always have a plan, and I like order, it calms me.

But I'm different now. (stop laughing, I am!)



While it would make me crazy to have this table full of dirt in my house, in a situation like, um at a garden, outside, where the idea is for kids to experience nature and stuff, I'm good with it all. The boys had bubble juice all down their fronts mixed with dirt and who knows what else. What-EV-ER! (Besides, I had a change of clothes in my bag)

So, the reason for my confession, It's a good thing I had children that have forced me to lighten up, or I may have ended up like this lady...We are at the potting table, and this volunteer is there to instruct us, help us, etc. First I hear her say to another little girl "NO, NO, NO--you must FIRST put your name on one of the large pots!" Okay, I grabbed the pen and quickly spelled out E-V-A-N on one pot and R-Y-A-N on the another. Whew.


We carefully picked out two small plants and carried them over to the table, actually we tried to carry them over to the table, but I guess we weren't doing it right, the volunteer snatched the pots out of the boys hands and placed them in the dirt table. Ryan promptly tried to dump out his little plant, to shrieks of "NO, NO, NO" Then the volunteer took his pot, his plant and his trowel and finished the re-potting for him.


She then turned her attention to Evan, who was trying to shovel dirt into his pot, most of it was getting on him and the ground. She looked at me and said "do you want me to do it for him too?" I gulped hard, took a deep breath and said..."no, I think he's having fun" "Well, O-Kay? We are about to get really busy down here" she replied.


What I really wanted to say was..."look lady, this is a children's garden full of kids, and the whole idea is for them to experience things, get dirty, make messes, not for grown ups with their own agendas to do things for them. If they get dirt all around the floor, on themselves, whatever. That IS the point." I didn't say it, I thought to myself, "she's a volunteer, she shouldn't be dealing with little kids, she's a volunteer." I was brought out of my calming mantra by an audible exasperated sigh, I came to in time to see Evan dump a huge pile of dirt on the floor.

We were then ordered instructed to place our pots on wall and pick them up before we leave for the day. Ryan proceeded to grab hands full of dirt from the adjacent planter and put them in his pot. (of course, he didn't get to actually pot his own plant so he decided to do some potting on his own, gotta love this kids initiative.) We were then sternly chastised. "NO, NO, STOP IT." It was at this point that I grabbed both boys hands and took them away from the mean lady to a quiet part of the garden where we could grab clumps of dirt and put them where we wanted.

I thought about complaining, or suggesting that this might not be the appropriate assignment for this lady, but hey, she's a volunteer. (See, I have changed)

In spite of this one volunteer, we really had a nice time and we will be back, hopefully on a day when the Botanical Guard is off duty.

Family Fun Day

We took the boys to Sea World today. Ryan, Evan and I went for the first time a few weeks ago, and it was quite a challenge. There was a lot of getting in and out of the stroller and me lifting one then the other boy to see, or try to touch, in short it was a little exhausting! So today, two adults and two kids, piece of cake!

I decided to mark the special occasion by paying $5.00 for a tray of 4 fish to feed to the dolphins, yes, that is $1.25 per 2 inch fish.

Evan actually touched the nose of a dolphin and seemed to enjoy getting up close and personal.

On the other hand...

What you can't see from this picture is that Ryan is actually screaming and pushing as hard as he can to get away from the dolphin!

While Ryan didn't like the dolphins, Evan didn't like Wild Arctic, the Penguin Encounter, the Shark Encounter, anything that was dark or loud.

The first time we were at Sea World, we were looking at the Sea Lions as they howled for fish, and I said out loud to myself, "Someone needs to brush their teeth". I looked down at the boys and they were both doing our sign for brushing your teeth.

It's a real reminder that they understanding everything we say, and we'd better be careful.

Dancing Fools (or Music that Makes Me Smile)

Two years ago tonight, Scott felt the boys move for the first time. They had been moving around lots and I felt them, but Scott never seemed to be able to feel them before this night. The boys would be kicking and moving around and I'd yell quick, come feel, and by the time he got over to my belly, they had settled again.

We owe this special moment to Alison Krauss and Union Station. Scott, our friend Philip and I really enjoy their music and had tickets to see them perform. (I should mention that we all have very eclectic tastes in music and our ipods house really interesting mixes of musical genres, mine is now littered with an alarmingly large collection of kids music) Anyway--Alison Krauss is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE artists. I could listen to her everyday. If you've never heard her, I highly recommend it. After all I, VERY pregnant with twins, in excruciating back pain, still went out, walked several blocks (without stopping for a nap), sat with a tennis ball between my aching back and the theater seat for two hours, just because I HAD to see her again. Mind you I had seen her just the year before in Northern California, with a then very pregnant Shelley, but I had to see her again. (and I say her and I really mean them, because each member Union Station is an amazing artist, really such a talented group of musicians)

So I'm sitting, not exactly comfortably, enjoying the concert when all of a sudden the boys become dancing fools. They began to kick and move like CRAZY. I quickly grabbed Scott's hand and placed it on my four stepping belly and he finally felt it. That really strange, freaky feeling of something alive moving inside my belly. The boys really responded to the music. When AK and US played an upbeat song, the boys danced like there was no tomorrow, and during the slower numbers, they calmed down. I had never felt them so active before and I was thrilled that Scott was finally able to feel them move.

The boys still seem to enjoy Alison Krauss and Union Station, or Alison Krauss and Robert Plant, or just Alison Krauss. (or just about any music) But every time I listen to their music, I smile with the memory of that special moment.

Last Ditch Effort

I'm so drained. Feeding Evan is exhausting. Our goal is 100 calories per Kilo per day. He's almost 11 Kilos, and that's a lot of calories for a kid who doesn't swallow anything he has to chew.

The last few years days have been especially difficult. Evan's been throwing up a ton. He's been fighting me like I'm trying to feed him worms or habenero chilies. There have been meals where I'm not sure if I'm wearing more than he's ingested. We have these good runs where for weeks at a time he'll eat like a champ. He was eating 9 ounces of yogurt and baby food in 15 minutes, and then for no reason he'll just slide back into his old routine of fighting and barfing.

I'd like to believe that it's because he's growing and his prevacid dose needs to be adjusted and then he will be fine again. But deep down I know there has to be something else going on, right? I can say teeth, or a cold, but come on, really? He's almost two years old, he has not outgrown the reflux, like most children do, he's not swallowing ANYTHING he has to chew. He chews stuff. He seems to really enjoy trying to eat food, but when it comes to swallowing, he just spits whatever it is out. Sometimes what he spits out is so pulverized that it's smoother than his purees.

We go to Occupational Therapy once a week, for an hour, but I'm not sure it's doing any good. The improvements are so small they are almost invisible to an everyday caregiver. And with the improvements come the mudslidesbackslides, which are painfully obvious.

We saw GI today. Our doctor is out on medical leave, so that buys us a bit of time to try one last ditch effort. We are switching from Prevacid to Prilosec, sometimes people have better luck with different drugs. I'm not optimistic. I'm concerned that in my efforts to keep my babe out of the hospital, I might be subjecting him to 2 more months of pain, suffering and possible esophageal damage. What do you do though? The last thing you want to do is have your baby child sedated and frightened by an overnight stay in the hospital, a scope shoved down his throat and tissue samples cutout of his little body. Especially this boy who is so afraid as it is. I can't take him near a nurse without him crying his eyes out and screaming, hands flailing-- finished. go. please. It's heartbreaking. I just have to try everything before I subject him to that, don't I? I hate this second guessing, I hate not knowing clearly what to do, I hate that I cannot fix my baby.

Somedays are good, and some are bad.

You figure out which is which.

We had a wonderful weekend with Boppie (Scott's Dad) here. Saturday, the boys went to soccer, and Home Depot, Mommy got time to work out without worry that someone was going to wake up and raise her heart rate in a whole different way. There was lots of boy time. Boppie played with the boys while Daddy dug trenches for new sprinklers. (We are planting some fruit trees in the back yard, fruit, that I hope someday my children will eat.) Mommy got some uninterrupted time to think about and work on the invitations for that impending second birthday party. (Someone should remind me next year not to design invitations that require me cutting out 300 circles. I thought I was doing something super simple, HA.) Most importantly Boppie and the boys got some great bonding time.

*******

Yesterday, we met our friends Elizabeth, Aviel and Coby at the Wild Animal Park. It was really fun, and the boys were on their best behavior. Aviel and Coby are about a month younger than Ryan and Evan and it's really fun to watch the kids interact. Coby and Ryan seemed to want to play together, but they were a little unsure. There was a lot of circling and following, only to have one boy run the other direction when actual interaction seemed just about to happen. Aviel is so incredibly verbal. She's amazing, quite a parrot. She uses words like running and swimming appropriately, and clearly to someone other than her mother. Elizabeth says it's hard having one talk so much, it makes her realize how far behind Coby is!



That is one of the challenges with twins. Comparison. How do you not compare when you have two kids the exact same age. When you have one at a time, I think you forget a lot, It's harder to do the direct comparison, environments change, your parenting skills are refined, and having an older sibling makes a huge difference for the younger child's development. I think it is easier not to compare when your twins are not identical. My boys are so distinctly different in appearance, temperament and strengths--I find I start to compare them and then I quickly remember they are individuals.

*******

After naps on Monday we had a special Sensory Workshop put together by our EI teacher and our OT. It was supposed to be 4 families, but 2 canceled so the group was small. The point is, all of these kids have eating issues, playing with food is a great way to bridge some of the fear that these kids associate with eating. There was cornmeal, pudding, rice crispies, food puzzles, food books, fake and real fruit, all to play with experiment with. Great messy fun! We also made smoothies, something we've done with Melinda here at the house. For some reason Evan lost his marbles when the blender was turned on. He is not usually afraid of noises, but something triggered this (over)reaction. I could see him start to tremble when the blender came around and thought uh-oh, but I never imagined his reaction would be so...so...dramatic? He screamed and cried and cried and screamed. He told me he was finished, and he wanted to go through his tears. He would not let me go anywhere near the table with the blender. He did not want to play on the playground, but he found some comfort in walking around and around. He cried in the car on the way home, but once we were home, he was fine.

*******

Evan threw up three times today. Just when we think he is doing better he has days like this. Days when every bite is a battle royale. Days when I am in the parking lot at OT grabbing at blankets and sweatshirts to catch the projectile vomiting that comes out of nowhere. Days when I am reminded why I carry two changes of clothing on my back at all times. Days when my baby is crying and telling me he is finished and I am crying and telling him he cannot be finished, he just threw up his entire dinner.

We see GI again on Thursday. I just don't know what to do. He's been on Prevacid for almost 2 years, he should have out grown this by now. What do we do? Do we scope him? Do we put our already frightened to death of doctors baby in the hospital overnight, sedate him, and stick a scope down his throat, when 99.9% of the time they find nothing wrong? Do I hope he is that .1% and gamble that we can find something that can make him better? I'm thinking probiotics and acupuncture, and all other suggestions are welcome.

*******

Is there anything more wonderful than watching kids explore their environment? Roll around in the dirt and just laugh? Stop to have a wrestling match? Run carefree? This is one of the most amazing things about being a parent. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child, or two.

40 is the new 30.

I'm 40 today.

I really don't feel like it's possible for me to be 40. I can't believe that I've been married for almost 15 years. or that I graduated from college 18 years ago. or high school 22 years ago. or that my boys are almost 2. Where does the time go? How is it possible that I could wake up one morning and be 40?

I don't feel like I should be 40. Wasn't 40 once considered middle aged? Is it possible that my life is half over?

Two or three years ago, before the constant sleep deprivation, I didn't feel my age. At 38 I felt 28 or 30. I stayed up late, got up early, worked out like a maniac, ate what I wanted, lived a go, go, go life. Now? Well now I stay up late, get up early (and sometimes all through the night), workout some, eat when I can, and live a go, go, go life.

What's changed?

Two toddlers!